In looking back on my last semester before starting Spring classes, I wanted to reflect on what I learned the most in returning to school. All of my avid readers know that October (After the 3rd, that's Koko's Birthday) is now referred to as the dark month in which I was kicked out of my internship and told that I would have to complete my program in three years rather than two.
I am a planner by nature so this threw me so far into depression that I was scared that I wouldn't get out of it. I am grateful that I already had a weekly therapy appointment both alone and with Koko's dad because that was what helped me more than anything. He picked up so much of my slack that month because he understood that I needed help. If I wasn't dragging myself to work, class or therapy, I would just lay in my bed and eat fast food.
In those dark days, I kept replaying how this failure came about, what I did wrong or if this was some attempt for the haters to keep me down. As I become a mature adult, I've realized that self reflection is key. There is no way possible that I can live in the adult world doing and saying what I want without realizing how it affects everyone, either directly or indirectly. You would think that I learned this lesson early in life but it really hit me when I had to interact with Koko's father side of the family in the best way possible to make sure that she has a healthy family connection. I don't want her to ever feel that she can't invite us to her events together because we are going to kill each other. (We don't have that problem)
Now back to the internship:
To this day, I still feel that I was painted in an untrue light. I don't like to think that I am being treated differently due to my skin and gender but it happens and I think that this maybe apart of it. It was said that I was unprofessional, not able to finish tasks completely and accurately, had erratic attendance and that I was always tired. Out of all these things the one that is true is that I am always tired because I have a freaking toddler but I still made sure to be at my internship site in the early morning which included a 30 minute drive. However, to combat the constant tiredness, I always had coffee in my hand to be the best for the high schoolers I helped. I also felt that I was not truly learning as I was getting any supervision or evaluation. I was under a guidance counselor rather than a school social worker which is not conducive to my education.
After showing my university (that I am an alumni of), proof that these were all lies, they sided with the internship sites decision to dismiss me and decided that I could not find another site that semester (it wasn't too late). I still feel that they made this decision before I provided them with evidence to dispute everything that was said. The thing that hurt the most is that the supervisor included things in my evaluation that were said in a safe space thus should not have been said to others unless it was about my being a danger to myself, others or anything about rape or child abuse (these are things they are teaching us in class but it was not followed).
With Koko's dad graduating this semester and leaving this city that we both hate to move back home, I just saw this as a sign that I was not meant to come back to Salisbury. I should have went with my first choice by transferring to a school that was closer to home but I was scared that I wasn't going to get in. I did my pro/con between the two and it just seemed that coming back to my school would be the better choice for myself and my small family. Why not flourish in a way that keeps Koko's parents in the same area?
All of this has taught me that regardless of what my plans are, there is so much better in store for me, even if I don't see it. I am actually glad that this happened the way if did because the hurt that I feel will not allow me to rationalize my staying here. It is pushing me harder than ever to do what makes me happy. This move will mean that I am in a Master's program that has my speciality rather than here in which you graduate with a general degree.
We just got news about something else that will challenge all that we have on our plate but what can you do but take life as it comes.
I'm not perfect even though I try to be.
My favorite quote has always been "Everything happens for a reason". This is the true embodiment of this situation.