Lost and (sort of) Found
Hey guys, I've been gone for a while because I've just kind of shut down. I've had no desire to do anything from school work to simply cooking a meal for myself. For a month, I've tried to understand what exactly is wrong with me. I know I have a mental illness but my low's never last this long or hit me so hard. I realized that I have lost myself and it came in the form of my friend telling me that I lost my sparkle. In the past, I would light up a room but lately I just enter and sit in the corner. I've just worked, done the bare minimum with school and slept outside of the times I've had Koko and even then we just chill in the house. It took me over a month to have the drive to go grocery shopping and it was only because I don't like feeding Koko fast food.
I've been a student for as long as I can remember then I jumped directly into being a mama bear. I was in a sorority in college which helped me understand more about myself but I was so driven to be the overachieving student that most of the time that I went out I was the responsible one making sure everyone got home safe. Yes, I have had my drunk blackout nights but they were rare and occurred right before I got pregnant. I met Koko's dad a month into the time I decided to actually enjoy myself and within a few months Koko was made. See what I mean? From that time until now my life has been Koko and him with the addition of school. I still am the person that wants to do everything perfectly because I know how much my mother sacrificed for me. This has been on overdrive because at times I feel that I let everyone down with the timing of Koko and the situation she was made in. This is not to say that a regret my child, she is my life but that is the problem, she is my life. I have nothing to wake up for other than the things I have to do. I have no idea what makes me happy. I've been pushing my friends away because I typically don't want to hang out and if I do the topic tends to be about Koko or her dad which makes me feel bad. My friends don't have the responsibilities I have and I don't want to ruin their carefree lives by listening to my stuff.
I know that once I graduate from graduate school things will be better but that is the same thing I said about undergraduate. I fear that this will never get better and that I will continue to never know who I am. I am not trying to be sad sally, I know I need to make a change but am not sure where to start. I have been thinking of the relationships I need to cut from my life because they only bring bad but there are some that I just can't. One has made me so low because I never feel that I am enough and that everything I do is wrong. Habits are hard to break and I'm scared that I can't get out of toxic situations. I've been trying to speak up for what I need and want but still am holding back. The one person I let know everything ,paid no attention to what I said which pushed me deeper into this mindset. I used to be very expressive of my emotions as a child but I got tired of being called a crybaby so I shut that part of me down. Someone getting emotions out of me is like pulling teeth at times unless I am breaking down from keeping everything in which I have been doing a lot of lately. I give people advice all the time and the first thing I would say is that that's not healthy but it's always hard to take your own advice.
I've been down so much lately that I have become quiet most of the time which is not something no one would ever say about me. Before this month, I laughed most of the times but nothing makes me smile anymore. I've cried myself to sleep so many times this month that I've lost count. Again, this post is not to be depressing but I know the best way for me to live is honestly. Almost everything I do is Koko-centered, supporting people that don't support me, or people that I know need my support more than I need theirs. This added with the fact that most of the time I feel like a bad mom because I don't have my child a lot due to my school and work schedule. Everyone always says that everything I am doing will be helpful for our future but I won't make it there if I always feel this way. I have considered dropping out of graduate school so much in the last month it's shocking. I've considered throwing my phone in the lake near my house so many times because I don't want talk to anyone, I feel my current emotional and mental state will only bring those around me down.
Now that I have found the problem, it's time to try and fix it but one step at a time. I am doing what I can but know that everything isn't going to change in a day, week, month or even by the end of 2017 but I know I need out of this state of mind. I'll try to keep active but I need time to heal from what has just been a bad month. I need to start finding myself outside of being a mom and a student.